Denise Billen-Mejia 0:07
Welcome to Two hypnotherapists talking with me, Denise Billen-Mejia in Delaware, USA.
Martin Furber 0:13
And me Martin Furber in Preston UK.
Denise Billen-Mejia 0:16
This weekly podcast is for anyone and everyone who'd like to know more about fascinating subject of hypnosis, and the benefits that it offers.
Martin Furber 0:24
I'm a clinical hypnotherapist and psychotherapist,
Denise Billen-Mejia 0:27
I'm a retired medical doctor turned consulting hypnotist.
Martin Furber 0:31
We are two hypnotherapists talking.
Denise Billen-Mejia 0:34
So let's get on with the episode.
Martin Furber 0:36
Let's get this show on the road Denise we're recording today, the day before Valentine's Day. And this is gonna go out on Sunday of Valentine's week if we want to call it that.
Denise Billen-Mejia 0:47
Maybe some people will still have chocolate around
Martin Furber 0:51
Or wilting roses. I just thought, it just got me thinking Valentine's love, relationships, all that kind of thing. Where would hypnotherapy come into the equation with all this?
Denise Billen-Mejia 1:03
People that were made sad by the holiday? It's not really holiday, I mean, you have to go to work. You can't do anything else. But it is, and if if you don't have a partner, perhaps you're recently widowed, or whatever caused this occasion. It can be a real underlining of grief.
Martin Furber 1:27
Or if you had a partner this time last year on Valentine's Day.
Denise Billen-Mejia 1:30
Yeah, exactly.
Martin Furber 1:31
And now you don't.
Denise Billen-Mejia 1:33
Right?
Martin Furber 1:34
Maybe you've been ditched?
Denise Billen-Mejia 1:36
And this goes for all holidays, I think, it is the same thing. You compare this Christmas with last Christmas, this New Year, last New Year, Mother's Day was not so many. The day after Mother's Day, we would have a flood of patients into the emergency room. Not because necessarily they were terribly ill. But they might have little flare ups or they'd be more aware of it. Because the day before people came to see them, and then they go away again. And it just makes people more aware of the deficits in life
Martin Furber 2:08
Being on their own. Yeah. All right, here we go. Let me just go off on an immediate tangent, I keep forgetting you were an emergency room doctor. Did the rooms used to go quiet if there was a sudden unexpected warm, hot day or something like that?
Denise Billen-Mejia 2:22
Yeah. And football would get quiet when they were playing. It's amazing how people would arrange their medical care.
Martin Furber 2:31
Either side of the Superbowl!
Denise Billen-Mejia 2:32
Or sometimes. I mean, seriously, I started having chest pain in the first half - And I'm coming in after the game is over. I really, actually not, you know, they really were having a medical emergency and they put it off. But that is it's grist for another mill. Back to those other kinds of holidays, those really do cause discomfort for a lot of people. Yeah, Mother's Day and Father's Day for people who have lost a child or lost a pregnancy. And it's all of those things. It's this almost feels like you've been stabbed by somebody.
Martin Furber 3:13
Yeah, I can remember the first couple of years after my Mum died. And you keep getting emails from various companies that you may have purchased something from before you know, florists or whatever. It's all..
Denise Billen-Mejia 3:23
Facebook reminders, Facebook with their birthdays. Yeah.
Martin Furber 3:27
Yeah, as well. Yeah, that kind of thing used to nark me. No, I'm just thinking. Valentine's Day. That just got me thinking like relationships. Where hypnotherapy would come into the equation with helping people to deal with all kinds of relationship issues.
Denise Billen-Mejia 3:43
I've had a couple of people come in for, or join me on Zoom call, for being alone, it's not so much for that specific relationship there. They're usually okay, that didn't work. But then they despair of having or being social, again, you do get a little less, you get rather, once. I've been married 39 years now, so with a very set set number of social things we do. And when that steady goes away, it can be hard to figure out how you should be interacting with it.
Martin Furber 4:24
Well, yeah, I mean, it's coping with the changes in areas getting, getting yourself out there again. But also, I mean, if somebody has been in a relationship for a long time, that perhaps had, as we say over here, chipped away at their personality. I'm not going full-blown coercive relationship or anything like that. But if somebody's had a relationship where their partner had, you know, knocked away at their self confidence somewhat, you know, then it can be difficult to get going again, I suppose.
Denise Billen-Mejia 4:25
Yeah. But I think also even if it's been a wonderful relationship, when you lose the other half. Yeah, I think that could be just because you we present ourselves to different audiences in different ways.
Martin Furber 5:12
Oh, absolutely.
Denise Billen-Mejia 5:13
And if suddenly half of the way you define yourself, I'm Francisco's wife. I mean, I don't really think of myself, I, that's not the first thing I am. the first thing I am is Denise. But some people are. And then, how do you, who am I? If I'm not.
Martin Furber 5:30
Yeah, so hypnotherapy could do what? Help with exploring your own mind and maybe reigniting some old neural pathways that you haven't been down for a while? You know...
Denise Billen-Mejia 5:42
Certainly I've done quite a lot, partly because of Covid with clients who come in because they just couldn't deal with going out in public again, if they hadn't had to, or they have been prevented from, for a good 18 months really. Done little more than run to the shops.
Martin Furber 6:01
When you've had clients like that, though, with Covid, were they mainly younger or older.
Denise Billen-Mejia 6:09
Most of my client base skews older. I've had some younger ones. Excuse me, but yeah, I think people see my hair and think, okay, she's my age, I'm gonna talk to her!
Martin Furber 6:25
No, I just think what's still sort of resonates with me is the fact that somebody who is 18 now, spent over 10% of their life in lockdown with Covid, I'm still seeing the effects of that in younger people that I see. You know, younger clients, it's for me, it seems to have affected them more than older people.
Denise Billen-Mejia 6:47
Well, yeah, it was a bigger percentage of her life.
Martin Furber 6:49
Yeah, as well as imagine being 15 or 16. Getting back to Valentine's again, you know, that age, where you start courting, start going on dates and that kind of thing to have missed out on those vital years.
Denise Billen-Mejia 7:04
At least knowing other people are Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Martin Furber 7:08
Could have had a big, big effect on them. Now, I'm just wondering about you know, how hypnotherapy could benefit people in terms of relationships. That's what just got me thinking this week, you know, with it being Valentine's day.
Denise Billen-Mejia 7:26
I've never had anybody come to me for the particular relationship that they're still in. But I have had recently recently being like a couple of years not yesterday. But you've done quite a lot with people who've lost family members, one way or another.
Martin Furber 7:45
Yeah, or life change when people have taken retirements. And again, the relationship suddenly taken a different turn as it were, for example, two people who were always out at work suddenly find themselves all at home with each other all the time. And life is very different.
Denise Billen-Mejia 8:05
Actually, the way Valentine's affects my clients at the moment is most of them at the moment are coming to me because of that. It's a new year, so new resolution, so a lot of people wanting to lose weight and or, you know, go to the gym or whatever reason and here we have this huge celebration of eating chocolate. I love you have some I love chocolate. Please don't get me wrong. I absolutely adore good chocolate. But it is a bit odd.
Martin Furber 8:40
Wonder why you mentioned new you then? Because it was Chinese new year last week.
Denise Billen-Mejia 8:44
It was yeah. Because clients called me at New Year and now they're fully in their sessions.
Martin Furber 8:52
Gong hei fat choy, if we have any Chinese viewers.
Denise Billen-Mejia 8:55
Oh, very good. I can't do that I'm afraid.
Martin Furber 8:59
Yeah. Just getting back on topic a minute, just thinking about sort of using hypnotherapy. Let's create a scenario of somebody who who might typically come and see us that has perhaps lost the confidence in knowing how to engage with people and form relationships. I mean, the one thing I particularly like about using hypnotherapy is when people sort of tap into resources have not used for years. That's what think is particularly useful.
Denise Billen-Mejia 9:29
I think that's why they get anxious, because they sort of have to actually remember the things they will need to do. Whereas they haven't had to think about it. It's Saturday, we can go shopping for groceries now.
Martin Furber 9:30
Oh, so that overwhelm of thinking oh, yeah, got to do this again. Got to do that again. Yeah, yeah, well, again hypnotherapy can help cope with that, can't it?
Denise Billen-Mejia 9:50
Yeah, we can cope with. It helps with just about anything really. If you need to get out of what is currently your comfort zone, we can help you do it.
Martin Furber 10:02
Well, yeah, I mean, that's one thing, hypnotherapy is particularly useful for is taking somebody just enough out of that comfort zone to motivate, just generate enough stress and just motivate them to do a little bit more and a little bit more and a little bit more rather than that thing of falling over a cliff edge, when we've suddenly got to do something big.
Denise Billen-Mejia 10:20
We both of us work. We work slowly. But effectively. What's the average amount of time that your clients take to get? If they have one specific issue? How long do they usually stay with you?
Martin Furber 10:36
Anything between 6 and 12 Sessions.
Denise Billen-Mejia 10:38
Okay. The only 12 session thing is half sessions is the weight programme, because it doesn't matter how effective that first session is, it's still going to take some time for you to see a difference on the scales. So I always stretch it so they've got support through that whole time.
Martin Furber 10:55
Yeah, to me, with weight clients, it's a matter of when they get to the point where they are automatically, without thinking just reaching for better options. Yeah, reaching for the right choices. Because like when people are struggling with the weight when they eat a lot of processed foods and a lot of sugary foods, they will still veer towards those because they taste good. Let's face it.
Denise Billen-Mejia 11:20
Yeah. And it's what they've done. It's the way they've been comforting themselves for so long.
Martin Furber 11:24
Yeah, but it's also the way our taste buds have been altered by all the MSG and everything else they put into it. We're attracted to that kind of food more and more, once you've gone over to fresher food, less processed food, and you start to, you got through that thing of thinking I'm on a diet because you're not! Once you've got through all that.
Denise Billen-Mejia 11:24
No, you are, you are you're eating that which you habitually eat. Get over this calling, diet is what you normally eat. A slimming diet, a get thinner, a diet, whatever, weight loss diet. Yes, let's get rid of them. Let's have just healthy food for people.
Martin Furber 12:02
Yeah, absolutely. Well, once you've got to that point where you are eating better food all the time, then the next stage is that you just automatically prefer that. You you stop having that feeling of missing out on something. Once you're at that point, then you know you through the line as it were. You've won because if you're in any kind of deprivation, or if you're in the mindset of being deprived of something, then all the time you will consciously be feeling that you're missing out on eating all the unhealthy things that you used to eat. You need to get past that to the point where it's like no, actually, this is my preference. Now this is what I prefer, it is what I like. And that's when you go to a great big buffet, you will automatically veer towards the things that are better for you. Once you're at that stage then you're okay. That's what I always say.
Denise Billen-Mejia 12:51
So, when you do weight loss, do people come to you when they've really got a serious issue, or is it just, I think I might be developing an issue.
Martin Furber 13:02
Usually it's last resort, grossly overweight issue. Usually it's people that have tried every fad diet going. They've been to every kind of slimming club going. They've done all the usual things. They'll try hypnotherapy as a last resort and let's face it, it is quite so often the case with most things, isn't it hypnotherapy is a last resort?
Denise Billen-Mejia 13:26
Well, because we haven't explained to people how it is not Alternative Medicine is just a part of the things that you could put in place to make your life easier.
Martin Furber 13:37
Yeah, but it's because of all the stigma, because of all the myths about it, though. It's so often the place of last resort. It's like I've tried everything else now might as well give that a try. That's the attitude of a lot of people. Okay, so let me just think about something else, in terms of Valentine's relationships and hypnotherapy.
Denise Billen-Mejia 13:58
Flowers.
Martin Furber 13:59
Yeah. What about conflict resolution hypnotherapy for conflict resolution?
Denise Billen-Mejia 14:05
Yes, I think it probably is useful, but I don't know. I mean, normally conflict resolution, you'd have both people there in the room at the same time. And I don't do two people at the same time. Would it be like other couples therapy? So you have couples therapy and individual therapy?
Martin Furber 14:24
Yeah, I'm talking of individual therapy though. Perhaps helping somebody to, okay, put it this way, if you're in a relationship with a lot of conflict, okay, you're going to be pretty stressed out. And when of course, when we're stressed out, everything gets magnified, doesn't it?
Denise Billen-Mejia 14:42
True, now what kind of conflict are you talking about?
Martin Furber 14:46
We're not talking violence, we're talking about when people are...
Denise Billen-Mejia 14:48
Or other forms of abuse?
Martin Furber 14:51
No, I'm talking more perhaps a little lighter than that, where people are just at the point where they're just getting on each other's nerves with everything they say and do.
Denise Billen-Mejia 14:59
Oh, so like people who are newly retired and suddenly, yeah, you're in my space at 9am Go away.
Martin Furber 15:05
Yeah, that kind of thing. Yeah. I think again, it's a good way to help stop those negative thoughts cycle. Because if once you get it in your head that somebody is annoying you or is going to annoy you, then that's what you'll concentrate on.
Denise Billen-Mejia 15:05
You'll wake up already annoyed.
Martin Furber 15:25
Yes, you wake up, ready, ready to look for faults. And I think, again, if we use that soothing and calming side of hypnotherapy, to bring somebody right down to where they can take an overview of things, and perhaps not be so reactionary to things. It can be helpful in that way, in any kind of conflicts, even a work conflict or something like that.
Denise Billen-Mejia 15:51
Is that more aligned with anger management?
Martin Furber 15:55
Yeah, yeah. But I think is a gentler and kinder way of dealing with things. I think it's more practical than anger management.
Denise Billen-Mejia 16:04
I think it would probably not garner many, many clients. As a first introduction to hypnosis, I can see somebody who's come to you before for another reason, maybe this and then calling you I don't know how, I suppose I could write on my blog and see what other people feel about conflict resolution. And anybody who's listening to us blathering on please write, tell us what you think about this feedback?
Martin Furber 16:34
Well, yeah, I mean, it can help improve communication skills, therapy. Help people identify their strengths and feel more confident, perhaps, when they need to state the boundaries in a relationship, for example, yeah, in any kind of relationship. You can give people the confidence to do that. Perhaps as I say, I think, if someone is lacking in self confidence.
Denise Billen-Mejia 16:57
I think many of us who work in this area sort of look forward to a time that actually we'll teach kids these skills when they're very little. And we can almost get rid of the
Denise Billen-Mejia 17:07
hypnotist, we can just Yeah, people just know how to use this very useful time to relax. It's tricks of the trade. No more driving test anxiety, because you already know how to handle anxiety,
Martin Furber 17:21
Oh, driving test anxiety. Yeah, I saw somebody for that not not too long ago, actually. That's a different thing altogether, isn't it? That's what I call acute anxiety, one particular situation that's forthcoming. And usually it's things like driving tests, public speaking, best man speeches at weddings.
Denise Billen-Mejia 17:40
Oh, yes. Public speaking in general, but yeah, best man. Well that's going to be recorded for posterity.
Martin Furber 17:49
Of course, in this day and age, yeah. If people have the fear of making the mistake at a wedding now they've got the fear of it being recorded and held forever, as well. Or put on the internet. No, but it's just that general thing about relationships altogether, isn't it? And then you were saying earlier on as well about, not just Valentine's but all the things that you term as holidays, as it were, occasional days.
Denise Billen-Mejia 18:14
Well, things that you normally celebrated with somebody in particular. It could be your lover, it could be husband, wife, brother, whoever is suddenly absent from your life.
Martin Furber 18:28
Yeah, absolutely. And yeah, like you say, holidays are the times when things become noticable aren't they? Yeah, yeah. It's funny that with grief, it's always the first year after you've lost somebody,
Denise Billen-Mejia 18:44
And the 10th year and it's those milestones.
Martin Furber 18:46
Yeah, but in the first year in particularl, whatever day it is. It's what they were doing that same day, last year. Last Easter last Christmas, last Valentine's last whatever. You'll always remember what you were doing with that person the year before. They do say don't they? The first year is the most difficult one.
Denise Billen-Mejia 19:07
Yeah. But it's still I mean, depending on how close your relationship was, it can take a long time before you don't automatically turn to talk to that person.
Martin Furber 19:17
Well, yeah, and again, you say of course, we do things automatically out of habit. Don't we? And we do it automatically, subconsciously without thinking about it first, anything we do without thinking about it first, whether it's which shoe do we put on our feet first? Or do they even match, although that's a whole other story!
Denise Billen-Mejia 19:37
Some day, Martin will tell you about his shoes.
Martin Furber 19:43
But yeah, there's a lot of things we do subconsciously and it's, those are the things that we can change with hypnotherapy really easily. You know, so that you automatically do something else instead.
Denise Billen-Mejia 19:57
There's also the fact that once it's once you're new reality has become a new reality and you suddenly are brought back to remember the person. Often people feel guilty because they didn't feel bad on that particular day.
Martin Furber 20:09
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's one of the one of those fears, though, isn't it? It's like, if I don't think about them, I might just forget them.
Denise Billen-Mejia 20:18
Yeah. They've disappeared from Yeah. Yeah.
Martin Furber 20:21
Like they never existed sort of thing.
Denise Billen-Mejia 20:23
Particularly, I think that when a parent's survives longer than a child, a child is a particularly bad one, and or every single thing going forward, you're going to remember, you don't have that person with you.
Martin Furber 20:37
Yeah. Because that's just not the natural order of things is it.
Denise Billen-Mejia 20:41
Yeah, we say that, but yet it is. Before the early part of the last century was not at all uncommon. Antibiotics did a huge amount to help people stay living longer. Yeah.
Martin Furber 20:57
Yeah, we only need to look back in history don't we? In Victorian times the death rate, infant mortality rate was, I can't remember. You'd have five kids, you'd lose one on average, I think it was.
Denise Billen-Mejia 21:08
At least Yeah. Yeah, If scarlet fever went through. That whole aspect of my life worrying about children getting vaccinated, and antibiotics being given appropriately. We're very concerned really, right now about what's going to happen with the antibiotic overuse, having given us superbugs.
Martin Furber 21:32
Oh, there are some new antibiotics now, the first ones that have been developed in 20 years or something, on the news the other day. Hopefully, they'll be able to deal with these superbugs.
Denise Billen-Mejia 21:43
Yes, but still don't stop doing sensible things like washing our hands. Yeah, anyway. All right. Are you cooking food properly? Yeah, can don't wing it. When you're canning for the first time. Please read the instructions. It's very important. This is a very weird podcast. Oh, yeah.
Denise Billen-Mejia 21:43
I keep trying to bring you back on topic. I know.
Denise Billen-Mejia 21:44
It's just not natural to us. Do you go to town on Valentine's Day? Or is it just another day when you say you get a card or dinner? Don't do anything in particular?
Martin Furber 22:20
No, as I say I popped down to Sainsbury's, I bought some steak and bought everything else to make a nice meal, tomorrow night, I've been and bought some roses and stashed them in the cupboard under the stairs where it's cool and dark. And that's me, because it's just nice to mark the day. Otherwise, you just take it for granted completely.
Denise Billen-Mejia 22:38
Right. So any day, I think that's the thing hypnosis can help people with. It can make any day special. I don't mean because you're getting hypnotised. I mean, you can have people realise how exciting it is that you woke up this morning. Yeah, well, you've already won.
Martin Furber 22:55
Yeah, yeah. Well, that that's funny, actually, that that is something when I first started studying therapy, how it actually can bring you right down and get to the part where you suddenly realise, wow, each day is a new day, there's a lot I can do. Because it's so easy in the humdrum routine of normal daily life to just like wake up every day and think, off we go again.
Denise Billen-Mejia 23:18
And there's a thing that's actually part of the way you were taught hypnosis, which is to have people remember, at the end of every day, what good minor but good things happened.
Martin Furber 23:30
Yeah, it's the smallest things that are the best ones. It's, I mean, no doubt, you can give the technical term for it. But I always say you generate a little bit of feel good once you start to delve, into your mind to, you know, to think about anything good that happened that day. Whether it was just somebody with a miserable face holding a shop door open for you and smiling when you didn't expect it. Or a little kid waving at you. Yeah, or somebody ringing up and saying, Grandma, thank you for that. It was beautiful. Yeah, exactly. So all those little things that make us feel good. And it's true, though, when you look back through your mind and think about them. It's the same when you think back to a funny story, you'll suddenly smile automatically, you have a little giggle to yourself. If you remember some time, I don't know, one of your children embarrassed you, or you embarrassed one of your children, or something like that, and it brings a smile on your face. We're generating those feelings, aren't we? It's amazing when you start to really study how you can regenerate these feelings,
Denise Billen-Mejia 24:27
It's those memories that help people when they are getting over their grief when they look back at the fact that that person was in their life and made a difference at that point. And then it begins to become less painful, but they're not there anymore. Because as we know, time is only a physical thing. It's not a next world thing. Now I won't get too philosophical. It's beyond our scope. But yeah, I really like that. I try to remind myself, I do have two or three issues that I have people keep a diary for, it's not usually mandatory. But try and remember, remember to tell them to think of, you know, look back quick in the last 24 hours what good thing just happened?
Martin Furber 25:12
Yeah, I insist on it with every single one. It's the most difficult thing, it is the one thing most people find difficult on.
Denise Billen-Mejia 25:21
Exactly, yes. It's difficult until they accept the premise. Yeah. And they're fine.
Martin Furber 25:26
Yeah, that's it. But it's, it's true, isn't it? You think about it, if you remember something that made you laugh, at some point, you can actually laugh again. And it's just always just sort of tiny item, little wins that we get all through the day. Throughout the day, like for me when I'm driving, if I'm waiting to turn, right, and I've been waiting ages, and then someone flashes me so I can turn right. You get a hit feel good, when it's those little moments we all have throughout the day. But when we're so worn down with life, and things are so on top of us, we fail to fully appreciate the moments. That's why we need to think back through them. And remember the good things otherwise, we just go to bed with all the negative things from the day, you know,
Denise Billen-Mejia 26:10
And it's also one of the reasons that hypnosis doesn't use reliving the trauma of whatever it is. Obviously, we need to take a history initially. So we know what has affected you. But then you don't have to go back and relive it every day.
Martin Furber 26:25
No, we don't want to dwell on it. We don't want to dwell on it. Because anything you concentrate on, you'll amplify. So why think..
Denise Billen-Mejia 26:30
So, think of those positive things that have happened?
Martin Furber 26:34
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I say it all the time. And as I say, most people find that the most difficult part of therapy, writing things each night, until as I say, until we've done it a few times, and all of a sudden one day it was like, oh, yeah, and this happened. And then they really start to tell you about it. And then you know, right.
Denise Billen-Mejia 26:53
I think many people would recognise that the good things had happened that they liked it, but they're sort of embarrassed to say, well, I got really happy when a little kid blew me a kiss in that sort of thing. They feel like it's not important and many people when they go into various forms of therapy, psychological therapy CBT. Initially, they're hesitant to say why they're unhappy because there are so many people who are worse off. Oh, yeah. And you need to get past like, yeah, that's, that is true. Always. That will always be somebody who's worse off. But that doesn't mean you can't feel better than you feel now. That's who is in the room right now.
Martin Furber 27:35
This is about getting that empathy, isn't it?
Denise Billen-Mejia 27:38
We'll give you a break people you can turn off now. Thank you. Please write to us and tell us what you'd like to hear us blathering on about and please tell us if there is a particular issue that you need help with. Even if you don't want to see either of us. We know a lot of other hypnotists and we'd be happy to help you figure out what kind of therapy would be the best fit for you.
Martin Furber 28:02
Yeah, absolutely. So in the meantime, I'll say Ta-ta for this week, and we'll see you on the next one
Denise Billen-Mejia 28:08
Alright, bye.
Denise Billen-Mejia 28:17
We hope you've enjoyed listening. Please remember this podcast is designed to give you an insight into therapeutic hypnosis, and is for educational purposes only. So remember, consult with your own healthcare professional if you think something you've heard may apply to you or a loved one.
Martin Furber 28:33
If you found this episode useful, you can apply for free continuing professional development or CME credits. Using the link provided in the show notes. Feel free to contact either of us through the links in the show notes. Join us again next week.
